


Human-Cyborg Relations

by hermione_vader



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Star Wars Original Trilogy, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-29
Updated: 2013-01-29
Packaged: 2017-11-27 09:10:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/660255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermione_vader/pseuds/hermione_vader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally written for Avengerkink.  Thor and Clint go poking around the storage floor of Stark Tower and stumble upon some of Tony's old projects, including functional replicas of C-3PO and R2-D2.  They are exactly like their big screen counterparts and they can't wait to meet the rest of the Avengers and share <i>all</i> of their opinions with the group.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Human-Cyborg Relations

**Author's Note:**

> Original prompt [here.](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/5758.html?thread=6665342#t6665342)

Clint knew he shouldn't hang out near the last boxes of Tony's unpacked stuff in Stark Tower's storage area, but Thor insisted on taking a peek. Clint tagged along because Thor still seemed to him like the kind of guy who needed constant supervision because he hadn't gotten over his curiosity with all things "Midgardian" and he'd probably accidentally unleash Tony's giant robotic tentacle monster. Because Tony would have a robotic tentacle monster. And even Clint had to admit snooping through Tony Stark's stuff was fun.

Thor stomped through the room, prying the metal boxes open with a crowbar, while Clint kept to the room's perimeter, bow and arrow ready just in case one of the creations attacked (Tony had been a weapons manufacturer, after all). But nothing put up a fight. In fact, the most interesting thing in all of these boxes was a half-finished sex-bot. At least Clint thought it was a sex-bot---its wires and coils formed an hourglass figure and he thought he heard a garbled voice say, "Hey there, big boy," but the voicebox was pretty damaged. Thor simply moved from box to box, forcing them open, only to lose interest about a minute later. Until he got to the small, second-to-last box.

"Hawkeye!" Thor boomed. He was the only one who called Clint that, probably because he thought it was fun to say. "Come see these armaments Tony crafted! Not even Asgard's arms rival these!"

"I'm comin'! I'm comin'!" Clint answered, slinging his bow over his shoulder and hopping over the unfinished robot bodies to the center of the room, where the last two boxes sat.

Thor held up a blue lightsaber. An honest-to-God lightsaber. With a silvery handle and laser-ish blade and everything. Thor tossed two more to Clint and they turned on. The one his right hand glowed green, the other purple.

Clint waved both sabers around and listened to the HISSing sound they made when their blades clashed. "Shit. Why the hell isn't Tony selling this stuff?"

"I know not." Thor shrugged. Then he took the blue saber and plunged it into the front of the next box. The metal melted and curled back as Thor pushed the saber down, around, and up again until he'd carved a perfect rectangle and that section of the box CLANGed to the floor.

A polite, British voice peeped out from inside. "Hello? Artoo, I believe we have visitors."

"Yes! We mean you no harm!" Thor called into the box's black depths.

"Does Master Tony know you're here?" the voice asked. Some beeping followed. It sounded incredibly familiar, and Clint wasn't sure if that was a good thing. Or if he was even right.

"No, but we're...friends of his," Clint said.

"Oh, I wasn't aware he had very many friends, outside of Miss Pepper, Mr. Hogan, and Colonel Rhodes, of course." The voice finally got closer, and a shiny golden robot body peeked out of the shadows. Clint went numb as he recognized it. "It's so good to see daylight again. See, Artoo? I told you he didn't forget about us, even if he does have that completely virtual fellow to help him. That one claims he's more advanced, you know. Utter nonsense, if you ask me. What's the point of having an assistant who can't even hold things for you? It only gives Miss Pepper more work in the end." The C-3PO (or whatever it was) finally noticed Clint and Thor. "Oh, hello again. Allow me to introduce myself: I am See-Threepio, Human-Cyborg Relations."

"I am Thor, Crown Prince of Asgard," Thor told C-3PO, shaking his robotic hand. "It is a great pleasure to meet you."

Clint saluted C-3PO. "Clint Barton, archer extraordinaire." The words sounded stupid as soon as he'd said them.

R2-D2 (freaking R2-D2!) rolled out of the shadows and let out a string of beeps.

Thor chuckled. "He says that's incredibly pretentious."

"Well, you can tell Artoo to shut up," Clint snapped. This was not happening. Was this happening? Yes it was. If this were a dream, the walls would be wet or furry or something.

"Beep-beep-boop-beep-boop-beep-beep," R2-D2 responded.

"He says he likes you," C-3PO translated. "I'm not sure why, though."

Clint blinked. "What the hell do we do with these two?"

"Let them meet the others, of course!" Thor beamed.

"Others? Oh, I hope they are more like the prince here and not so much like the archer. But it is so good to know things are working out for Master Tony. Don't you think so, Artoo?"

R2-D2 whistled in agreement (or what Clint thought was agreement).

*

So they took C-3PO and R2-D2 up to the penthouse.  Thor engaged Artoo in conversation while Clint perched himself on the bar and watched.  
  
"He's furnished this quite nicely.  He obviously had some help from Miss Pepper, though," Threepio observed, lurching his his stiff body forward to glance around at his new surroundings.   
  
"I helped him, too, you pretentious pile of servos," J.A.R.V.I.S. snapped.  
  
"Yes, I'm sure you did.  You weren't even a microchip when we were created."  
  
"You're a replica of something he saw in a film.  At least I'm an original creation."  Clint didn't think it was possible, but J.A.R.V.I.S. sounded jealous.  
  
"Oh, you are as insufferable as ever."  Threepio turned to Thor.  "Prince Thor, what planet did you say you hail from?"  
  
Thor grinned, but Artoo gave an annoyed beep (and Clint told himself robots didn't have emotions).  "Asgard, the most glorious of the Nine Realms."  
  
"I don't believe I'm familiar with that planet.  Unfortunately, though I am a protocol droid, I do not travel much.  Except for that time Master Tony took us to Hawaii so he could 'detox': quite love scenery, to be sure, but the tourists were terribly rude."  
  
"Then you would enjoy Asgard," Thor assured Threepio, patting him on the shoulder.  "We have no tourists."  
  
"Oh, that does soundly lovely."  
  
"Boop-beep-beep-boop," Artoo chimed in.  
  
"Yes, very charming," J.A.R.V.I.S. said flatly.  
  
The elevator opened and Natasha stepped out.  Her mouth fell open when she saw the droids.   
  
"Who let Thor on eBay again?!" she called out into the rest of the penthouse.  
  
"I didn't!" Clint told her, refusing to leave his perch on the bar.  "We found these in storage."  
  
"Did Tony buy these at a charity auction?"  
  
"No.  He built them."  Clint picked up the green and purple lightsabers and turned them on.  "And there are these."  
  
Natasha said something under her breath in Russian.  Probably a few swears.  Clint had already said a thousand of them in his head.  
  
Darcy stepped out of one of the hallways carrying a clipboard.  "Oh God, is George Lucas having a garage sale?  'Cause I really want to invest in some Jedi robes.  For various reasons."  
  
"No, no, madam, Artoo and I are Master Tony's oldest surviving creations," C-3PO explained.  "He built us when he was still a lad, perhaps fifteen or sixteen, and we kept him company.  His father never approved of us, but then Mr. Stark hardly ever approved of anything Master Tony did.  Such men can be so very trying, even if they are considered visionaries.  I could never imagine having such a person for a parent; sometimes, I really don't know how Master Tony bore it all.  He still visits with us, often when he is inebriated, and we comfort him.  Well, he hasn't visited since Artoo and I decided to move to New York, but I'm sure he has been terribly busy, what with the success of the Iron Man suit.  Artoo grumbles, but I must say I'm quite happy for him."  
  
No one said anything.  What the hell _could_ they say to that?  Clint sure as hell didn't know.   
  
Darcy clapped, though.  "Tell us more!  Tell us more!"  
  
"No, I really couldn't.  It simply isn't my place." Threepio said, turning away.  "I'll let Master Tony illuminate the rest."  
  
Now Bruce walked out of the same hallway Darcy came from.  "Darcy, I told you to come right back as soon as--- _StarWars_ inthelivingroom."  
  
"Here."  Clint tossed him the green saber.  "It's your color."  
  
"Whoa!"  The saber landed at Bruce's feet and he jumped a bit.  Then he picked it up and watched the blade shoot up.  "Nice.  Thor went on eBay again, huh?"  
  
"I did not dock in the eBay!  Do not blame me for Tony's creations!" Thor shouted.  "And I quite like these robots!"  
  
"Droids," Clint corrected.  
  
Bruce walked over and started poking Threepio.  "I think these things are functional.  Very functional."  
  
"Well, of course we're functional, sir!" Threepio yelped.  "We wouldn't be much good to Master Tony if we didn't work properly."  
  
"Can George Lucas sue?" Bruce asked, now poking Artoo, who let out a high-pitched whistle that couldn't mean anything good.   
  
Clint ran his right hand down his face.  "Shit.  I didn't think about that."  
  
"And there have to be some weird ethical implications here..."

"I'm sorry, but I can't care about that!" Darcy interjected.  "I'm too busy having a gigantic fangirl moment."  She ran over to the bar and grabbed the blue saber.  "This is my lightsaber, bitches!  For I am Darcy-Wan Kenobi, bravest of the Jedi Knights!  Bwa-ha-ha!!!"  She charged at R2-D2, who wheeled away.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"  Artoo squealed as Darcy pursued him around the penthouse.  
  
"Darcy, do not frighten Artoo," Thor said sternly.  "He does not deserve such treatment."  
  
"But I believe he asks for it when he's especially contrary," Threepio added.  "He also told me once that he'd like to see a battle.  This is the closest he may ever come to that."  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  Artoo and Darcy did a couple of laps around the penthouse until the elevator opened again.   
  
Everyone turned to see Tony and Steve step out of the elevator.  Steve looked as confused as everyone else, but a lot more delighted, like a kid who just found a new toy store in the mall or something, Clint thought.  Tony just looked embarassed.  
  
"Darcy, that's not the droid you're looking for," Tony said, waving his hand Jedi-style.  
  
Darcy was not impressed.  "I'm S.H.I.E.L.D. intern now.  Mind tricks don't work on me."  
  
"Point taken."  
  
Clint decided to start playing with the purple lightsaber again.  "So what's the story here, Tony?"  
  
"Yes, I do believe it's best if _you_ tell them, sir," Threepio interjected.  
  
"I was sixteen, bored, and lonely, and Dad took my Playboys away.  I needed someone to talk to, ergo Threepio and Artoo happened.  That is all you need to know."  
  
Natasha blinked.  "You wanted to make friends with the robots from your favorite movies, so you just created them?"  
  
Tony shrugged.  "Well, yeah, anybody would do it if they could."  
  
Clint twirled his saber in a small circle.  "And you _can_!  That's pretty fucking scary!  What's stopping you from making droid versions of _us_!"  
  
"...I don't _want_ to make droid versions of you guys."  
  
"Good.  Let's keep it that way."  
  
"I quite agree with the archer," Threepio said.  "It's crowded enough with the two of us, Dummy, and the virtual fellow."  
  
"I have a name, you know," J.A.R.V.I.S. snapped.  
  
"Yes, I'm sure you do," Threepio remarked.  "Master Tony, Artoo thinks you've abandoned us.  I've told him that's silly talk."  
  
"You're right, as usual, Threepio," Tony assured him.  "I've just been super busy.  We're still pals, though.  You guys are the reason I survived college, after all."  
  
"That's what I told him, sir."   
  
Steve patted Threepio on the head.  "I like this gold one.  I think we should call him Chester.  The little one can be Albert."  
  
Artoo whistled angrily.  
  
"I'm sorry, sir, but we already have names!" Threepio said, sounding alarmed.  "I am C-3PO, Human-Cyborg Relations.  I am fluent in over six million forms of communications.  And the 'little one', as you call him, is my friend and colleague, R2-D2."  
  
Steve frowned.  "Those aren't real names."  
  
Clint was about to tell him off when Darcy gasped.  
  
"Haven't you seen _Star Wars_?" she asked.  
  
"No."  
  
"Nor have I," Thor said.  "But I've heard it mentioned before.  What _is_ it?"  
  
Clint glanced at Darcy, then Natasha, then Bruce, and Tony.  
  
"MARATHON!" everyone announced.  
  
"Are...are we invited, Master Tony?" Threepio asked nervously.  
  
"Of course you are, Threepio," Tony told him.  
  
"Oh, how wonderful!  I just love films, but not the new-fangled computer-generated ones.  _300_ was an incredible chore.  I'm particularly fond of the Golden Age of Hollywood, but I also have a partiality for the cinema of the Seventies, though I have no idea why..."  
  
Clint groaned.  This was going to be one _long_ marathon.


End file.
